


Something More

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Canon, Anal Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Fluff and Smut, Human!Castiel - Freeform, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Porn with a little bit of Plot, Top!Cas, alternate s.9, bottom!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:36:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3742735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not like the unhappiness is a new thing, hell no. He's had more shit than most people can even imagine piled up on him in a single week, and that's an average week. This is different though. If he's honest with himself, it started a few years back- after Lisa. He's lonely, though he'd never admit it to anyone. A life of hunting demons and random hookups with strangers in bar bathrooms is not the life he envisioned for himself. He's always wanted more for himself - though never actually considered going after it; he wants a house and a wife and a couple of kids he can teach to read, and write and play baseball and never <i>ever</i> let anywhere near anything even minutely supernatural.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something More

The first time it happens, Dean's pissed. He's having a shit day already, and when they pull up to the motel and Sam is suddenly zapped away, Cas has to hold him back from storming the room with a bottle of holy oil and a torch. They've literally _just_ gotten into town, and all he wants to do is drop his shit in the room, hit up the closest diner and then pass out for a couple hours before they have to go break into some fucking museum or some shit - he doesn't really know, Sam's running the show this time - but he can't, because now Sam and Gabe will be occupied for a few hours minimum. 

He's getting used to the idea of Gabe and Sam. He is. It took him a while to reconcile the fact that his brother was, in fact, dating an Archangel that literally killed Dean a hundred times, but he's realizing that Gabe makes Sam happier than Dean's seen him in _years_ , and for that Dean's ready to put up with just about anything. Besides, having an Archangel at their beck and call is pretty damn handy, not to mention that Cas is 100% happier having a brother around who's not looking for his head on platter, and Cas hasn't been happy a whole lot since he fell. So yeah, Dean's learning to deal with Gabriel because Sam's happy, and Cas is happy, and when they're happy, he is.

Except he isn't. 

It's not like the unhappiness is a new thing, hell no. He's had more shit than most people can even imagine piled up on him in a single week, and that's an average week. This is different though. If he's honest with himself, it started a few years back- after Lisa. He's lonely, though he'd never admit it to anyone. A life of hunting demons and random hookups with strangers in bar bathrooms is not the life he envisioned for himself. He's always wanted more for himself - though never actually considered going after it; he wants a house and a wife and a couple of kids he can teach to read, and write and play baseball and never _ever_ let anywhere near anything even minutely supernatural. 

That's not his life, though. His life was chosen for him a long time ago, and it's monsters and violence, and there's no room for wives or children in a world like that. So he's here, driving around Huntsville with an ex-angel in his passenger seat because his brother's getting laid back in their hotel room. 

Yeah, why would he ever ask for more? His fingers tighten around the steering wheel and Cas glances over at him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good, Cas."

"You're tense," he comments, his eyes dropping to Dean's hands in the wheel, "and you've been very reserved lately."

"I'm okay," Dean insists, "just tired, and sick of driving around aimlessly when I could be asleep." He knows he won't get off that easily, that Cas will only keep quiet for so long, but for now Cas just sighs and turns to look back out his window. 

Truthfully, there's an awful ache of jealously that comes along with Gabriel's visits that Dean just can't seem to shake, and it makes him want to drink himself unconscious most nights just so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Normally, he just shoves down shit like this and represses it, but lately, combined with his admission to himself that he wants something more, it's getting harder and harder to ignore, not that he'd ever tell Cas that.

\- - -

The second time is the morning after a close call, and right after breakfast Gabe had shown up in a whirl of anger and concern, and Dean had barely made it through their meeting before taking off. He's already in a bad mood; they've been out of the bunker for nearly a week and he's anxious to get home and sleep in his own bed, and being kicked out of his motel room at eight in the morning is doing nothing to make him less irritated. The jealousy hasn't faded since Gabriel's last appearance, and this time he's been faced with the overbearing concern of the Archangel, checking Sam over to ensure he's okay. Dean's stomach twists with the longing to have someone who's that concerned for his safety, and he turns his back and stalks off toward the park down the street before he can shout at his brother for something that really isn't his fault.

Cas is on his heels, half jogging to keep up with him, and part of Dean just wishes he'd leave him the fuck alone. Cas has nothing to do with this, and Dean doesn't want to impose his bad mood on him. He's more than willing to fork out the extra money for a second room, but as per their usual bad luck, the motel is booked full for some damn convention or other and there aren't any free rooms. He feels worse than usual, and the stupid feelings are bubbling up without warning, and he just wants to slam his head against the dashboard or get so drunk that he can't remember his own name. 

Cas catches up to him when he's sitting at an empty picnic table, sliding in on the opposite side. He's quiet for a long time, looking down at his hands, folded on the table, before he speaks. 

"It's not easy for me either," he says, so softly that Dean misses it. "Gabriel, he- he reminds me of what I used to be." Dean doesn't know how to respond. He feels instantly guilty for wanting more when Cas has just lost everything he has. _Fuck_ , he's an ass. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Cas says, "I miss being an angel, I miss being able to take away your pain with just a touch," he pauses and lifts his head to meet Dean's eyes, "but I know I made the right decision not to go after my Grace, and I don't regret any of it." 

Dean's heart sinks. He wants Cas to have all the best in life, to get to have the family he himself can't have, but he's also overwhelmed by jealousy when he thinks of Cas leaving them, or being with someone else, but those are feelings he doesn't think about. Even if it wasn't for everything else, Cas is so damn good , and Dean's just a grunt with a pretty face. 

"Still sorry. Wish I could've changed things, I wish you weren't stuck with us, that you didn't get caught up in all this shit."

"Dean," Cas frowns, his expression dropping as he reaches out to touch Dean's arm, "don't say that. I _chose_ to stay with you because I wanted to. No one could make me change my mind about you." 

Cas raises his eyebrows like he's expecting Dean to say something, but he doesn't. He drops his head back and shuts his eyes because he wants to talk to Cas, wants so badly to be able to talk to _someone_ , he doesn't want to unload all his shit on his best friend who's only newly human. 

Even if he wanted to, he can't talk to Cas. Their relationship hasn't been entirely steady since Cas showed up at the bunker, cold and wet and undeniably human. Dean forgave him in that instant, forgetting anything that came before, but it's still been tense, despite the ease with which Cas has fit back into their lives, and he's family now - permanently, this time - and Dean doesn't know what he'd do if anything happened to him, doesn't even want to think about it. Cas means everything to him, and Dean's not about to start unloading his shit on him. He can suck it up and deal like he always has. It's not like Sam and Gabriel can just buy a house and move away so he's gonna have to deal.

\- - -

When they finally get back to the bunker, things settle for a few days. Gabe's off doing whatever the hell it is Gabe does when he's not banging Sam, and Dean's trying to be a little more patient with Cas, pay more attention to him, generally make his life as easy as he can, because even though he already knew how Cas felt about losing his Grace, it hurts more having heard it straight from him. Things are good though; Cas, though a little overly concerned, is happy, and Sam's still floating around on a cloud, so Dean's in a pretty damn good mood until late Wednesday night when Gabe pops in to visit.

They're all watching movies in the living room, when Gabe pops into the room, waggling his eyebrows and pushing Sam over to curl up beside him. Dean ignores him the best he can, pressing himself into the cushion and avoiding everyone else in the room and trying to distract himself from the pang of jealousy he gets every time he looks at Sam. Cas appears oblivious, but by the end of the movie they're watching, he's practically pressed against Dean's side, one hand settled on the couch just beneath his knee. Dean's fingers twitch with the desire to entwine with Cas', but he pushes that down too and keeps his gaze forward. 

He doesn't think about those things. Cas is in a male vessel, a male vessel that is now his. Cas is a guy, and Dean shouldn't want to hold his hand, but he does. More than anything, he wants to reach over and feel Cas' fingers between his own, and he tells himself that it's the loneliness, that it's just his longing to be with someone, but there's a little voice in the back of his head that natters at him that it's bullshit. He squashes that voice the second it pipes up.

Dean manages to keep himself calm for a little while, but when Gabe crawls into Sam's lap, he can't deal with it anymore. He gets up without thinking and hurries out of the room, huffing as he shoves his hands into his pockets. The bunker's suddenly stifling and he just wants to get away, but he also doesn't want to leave Cas alone with those two, no one deserves to be their third wheel. 

God, he really needs to get his shit together. How the hell is he going to survive if he freaks out every time Sam and Gabe get the slightest bit coupley? He stalks down the hall and shoves his bedroom door open, slamming it shut behind him and flopping face forwards onto his bed. He buries his face in his pillow and all he can think is that he's going to die alone with only Cas as company, having dragged him down along with him, and there's nothing he can do it. 

He must have fallen asleep, because a little while later, he's woken up by someone running a hand up the back of his leg. Normally, his instant reaction would be to shoot, but he's groggy from sleep and he can't even be bothered to reach for his gun, so he just scowls down at his feet. Cas is sitting on the end of the bed, undoing the laces of Dean's boots and tossing them onto the floor, a concerned frown on his face. 

"I'm worried about you," he says softly, looking up at Dean, "you haven't been yourself lately." 

Dean ignores him and pulls a pillow up over his face, rolling onto his side. After a few minutes it becomes apparent that Cas isn't going anywhere, so Dean curls up and tugs his outer shirt off, pulling the covers up over himself. 

"Dean," Cas breathes, crawling up the bed behind him. He settles himself behind Dean, rubbing a hand down his back, "I wish I could help."

"Yeah," Dean mumbles. That voice pops up again, pointing out that he _wants_ Cas to help him, that he wants anything he has to offer, but he ignores it again. He lets his eyes fall shut and presses back into Cas' touch, resisting the urge to pull Cas' arm over him and curl up against his chest, squeezing his eyes shut to block out the voice again. 

He falls asleep again with Cas' breath hot against the back of his neck, and one hand still running up his spine.

\- - -

Things don't get any better.

They end up helping a couple of newlyweds with a vengeful spirit in their new home, and if that's not bad enough, Dean ends up being tossed into a mud puddle before the end of it, and he's soaked and grumpy by the time they get back to their motel room - with Gabriel in tow, naturally. The only thing that makes the night not a complete write-off, is that he and Cas have their own room, so he can hog the shower for as long as he wants without getting bitched at, or having to worry about what bodily fluids might already be in there. He spends a good hour in there before tugging on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and burying himself under scratchy sheets and a thin bedspread. It's fucking cold, but he doesn't have the energy to get up and put proper pajamas on, so he curls in on himself and tries to force his eyes to stay shut. 

It doesn't work, and he's staring blankly up at the ceiling, craving contact so badly that it physically hurts, when the mattress dips down beside him. Dean rolls onto his side to hide his face, and Cas lifts the covers and slides up beside him, fitting close against his back. 

"What are you doing?" he asks, startled by how rough his own voice is.

"You don't want to be alone right now," Cas says simply, slipping one arm over Dean's hip and up his chest. And yeah, he's hit the nail right on the head with that one, but Dean's not about to push him away tonight. 

"You caught on to that, huh?"

Cas rubs circles with his thumb, pressing his forehead into Dean's hair, "I rebuilt you when I pulled you from hell, Dean, I don't need my powers to tell that you're upset, I just wish I knew how to fix it." Dean doesn't know how to respond, so he keeps quiet, but he lets Cas pull him closer and presses back against his chest and reaches up, sliding his fingers between Cas' as his eyes finally drop shut. 

He feels oddly content, even just having Cas' warmth against him, and it makes it much easier not to think about the things he can't have.

\- - -

The following night isn't much different, other than the fact that they're back home - a routine salt 'n' burn, and then Sam and Gabe disappear into Sam's room as soon as they get back. Cas had been up and about already when he woke up that morning, and he hasn't so much as mentioned the night before, so Dean's more frustrated than usual with no way to work out his frustrations.

He locks himself in the bathroom while Cas is getting changed, turns the shower on as hot as it'll go, and steps under the spray. He takes his cock into his hand, working over his length, until he's fully hard. It feels good, but it doesn't help him feel any better. He's so sick of being alone, just wants someone to curl up with every night, someone who's glad to see him when he comes home. Even when he comes, it's only half-hearted, and he leans back against the wall, rubbing a hand over his face. Turning off the shower, he pulls on a pair of sweatpants and makes his way to the living room, intending to fall asleep watching a movie.

\- - -

When he wakes up, there's a blanket over him, and Sam's shaking his shoulder. He blinks awake, and he's barely conscious before Sam's spouting off something about a vamp nest in Maine that Garth called him about. They drive out before noon and Gabe joins them half way there, so they get two rooms which, as far as Dean in concerned, is the only good thing about this whole trip, though he'd rather be curled up in his own bed where he isn't going to have to track down a vamp nest later on. Naturally, when they drive out, Gabriel goes with them, and Cas keeps too close an eye on Dean for Dean's comfort.

He's fine, he is. 

As it turns out, he's not fine. Not even close. After a particularly angry vamp charges Cas, Dean loses it; he neglects his post and throws the vamp against a wall, succeeding only in getting himself attacked from behind and ending up with a nasty bite on his shoulder. 

He insists he's fine all the way back to the hotel, but he's feeling dizzy and his whole arm aches. Cas is looming over him in the backseat, glowering at him, and quietly grumbling about his lack of self-preservation as he prods gingerly at the wound. Sam offers to help when they get back to the hotel, but Cas insists that he can handle it on his own, and he all but shoos Sam away as he helps Dean into their room. 

"You need to take better care of yourself," he grumbles, letting Dean drop onto one of the beds so he can go back and lock the door, "just for once, worry about yourself rather than everyone else around you." Dean can feel the angry rant coming on, so he pulls away when Cas moves to touch his shoulder again, and pulls his blankets up before he can get too close.

"I'm _fine_ ," he bites out, shrugging the blankets up over his shoulders. All of a sudden Cas is on the bed with him, pulling him up none too gently and glowering at him. 

"You're _not_ fine," he hisses, "you've been quiet and detached for weeks now, and you don't talk to anyone about it. You're short with me when I ask, and you all but ignore Sam every time Gabriel is around. The last time you acted like this was just before you tried to say yes to Michael, so forgive me for being concerned about you!"

Dean's frozen in place. Yeah, he's been bitched out by more angels than he can keep track of, Cas not least of all, but this is so, so different than the apocalypse. This is his life, and he doesn't have to say shit about it to anyone if he doesn't want to. It doesn't affect them, so they can all ignore him and get on with their own lives. Cas sighs and reaches out a hand to brush down Dean's forearm with a hushed " _tell me_ ," and Dean's resolve crumbles. 

"I don't want this," he breathes, dropping his chin against his chest. He picks at the blanket still covering his knees and inhales deeply. "This life, Cas- it's not- the vampires and demons- I want a family, I want _more_. I don't wanna come home to an empty bed anymore. Sam's got Gabe now and when I see them together it just makes me think of what I can't have and I hate it."

"Dean," Cas breathes. He slides his thumb over the top of Dean's hand, and Dean lets him. 

"I want that, Cas. I want someone who keeps coming back, someone to come home to every night who's happy to see me, even when I'm covered in mud and blood and whatever the fuck else. I want it so bad."

"I'm sorry."

"'S not your fault, Cas."

"Dean, I know I'm not what you're looking for, but I will never leave you. Not unless you tell me to go. You know that, right?" he raises a hand to cup Dean's cheek, rubbing over his cheekbone. 

"I just wanna go to bed."

"Do you want me to stay?" Dean shrugs, and Cas pulls back, dropping his hand to Dean's thigh. "Lie down, I'll be right back."

Dean does as he's told, shimmying out of his jeans and bundling himself under the covers, and a few minutes later there's a heavy warmth against his back, and Cas arm circles around him, coming up so his palm presses against Dean's chest. Dean reaches up, sliding their fingers together, and Cas squeezes his hand comfortingly, pressing a gentle kiss into Dean's hair. 

"Go to sleep, Dean."

\- - -

They've barely woken up, when Dean's phone goes off, and a friend of John's needs someone to take out a rougarou in Plainfield. It's close enough that he volunteers them without talking to Sam, and they won't have to switch motels. He arranges to keep the room, and then goes to talk to Sam and Gabe about it.

Sam refuses to let him go, insisting that Dean's still a little off from the bite, and Dean can't even argue about it because it's true. He's not overly excited when Gabriel leaves, but Sam assures him that he and Cas can get it done on their own, and Dean gives in without much fight because honestly? he doesn't have it in him anymore. Cas looks at him anxiously, but Dean pretends he doesn't notice, and claps Sam on the shoulder before heading back to his room. Sam and Cas leave a little while later, and Dean sits on his bed with a case of beer and bad daytime TV.

\- - -

When Sam and Cas get back that evening, Dean's drunk and miserable, flopped forwards on his bed with Dr. Sexy still playing in the background. He grunts when the door opens and the lights flick on, burying his face in the comforter so he doesn't get blinded, and he can hear Cas' voice, soft and sympathetic, though he can't tell what he's saying. He barely makes out Cas saying he has to wash his hands, and then he's alone in the room again.

He must pass out again because the next thing he knows is Cas lifting him up and tucking him back into bed. Dean rolls onto his side, reaching up to grip Cas' shoulder, and Cas kneels down next to him, pushing his hair back and smiling down at him sadly. 

Dean hauls himself up, pressing a clumsy kiss to Cas' cheek and then drops back against the pillow, mumbling, "least I have you."

Cas lies down next to him silently and pulls Dean into him, "I'll always come back for you."

\- - -

The following morning is uncomfortable, not least of all because Dean remembers everything from the night before. He tries for most of the day to pull Cas aside and apologize, or at the very least talk to him, but there's breakfast, and then Gabe pops in again, and there doesn't seem to be a time when he has more than ten seconds alone with him. When they finally do get a few minutes alone, it's because Sam and Gabe get their own booth for lunch, so Dean fidgets his way through ordering, and as soon as their waitress is gone, he clams up, sipping his water and pretending like nothing is wrong because suddenly talking to Cas is the hardest thing he can imagine doing.

He barely manages a mumbled, "I'm sorry," but Cas seems to know exactly what he's talking about. 

"Don't be," he smiles, "I don't mind." There's a beat of silence, in which Dean feels incredibly guilty, before Cas continues, "why don't you retire and settle down? That's what you told me to do, right? There's other hunters out there, and you've already done more than anyone could ever ask of you."

"It's not that easy," Dean sighs, poking at his fries, "even if I could get out, why would anyone want me? I have nothing to offer anyone. I kill shit, Cas, that's all I'm good at."

Cas scowls at him, and for a second Dean remembers the utter terror of being faced down by an angel of the Lord. His expression only intensifies, and then he's pushing his chair and back storming out of the diner, hands balled into fists at his sides. Dean just gapes after him, then goes back to his lunch in silence until they get up to leave, and Sam looks at him questioningly.

"Where's Cas?"

"Left," Dean responds shortly. 

"How come?" Gabriel asks, peering at him. 

"I dunno, I said something. I think he's pissed at me, it's no big deal." He plays it off as nothing, but his stomach feels like it's tied in knots, and he's worried that he lost the only good thing he's got left. Sam and Gabriel are obviously not buying it, and they both insist on waiting in Dean's room until Cas gets back and they can head out. 

Dean's feeling better, but Sam isn't budging on his decision not to let him go with them. It's a vetala, and Dean's _fine_ , and he really doesn't want to be stuck in the room again all night, but Sam's insistent, and he's got Gabriel on his side, so even if he tried, he'd never get out of the motel when a goddamn Archangel doesn't want him to. 

They're eating takeout Chinese when Cas finally shows back up. He bursts through the door and frowns at Sam and Gabriel. 

"Get in the car," he growls, and Dean half expects the archangel to smite him on the spot, brother or not, but when he looks, Gabriel's face shows only shock and something that looks a little like pride. He gives Sam a pointed look and claps his little brother on the shoulder as he passes by him on the way to the door, and Sam follows after with an a concerned look at Dean. 

Cas marches toward Dean and for a moment, he's reminded again of the angel he used to be, all fury and purpose. But then Cas shoves a half-crumpled sheet of paper against his chest with a hand no more firm than his own, and Dean relaxes. He's stunned, and he stands clutching the paper close to his chest as Cas storms after Sam and Gabriel, almost feeling sorry for the vetala they're hunting because _no one_ deserves to be on the other end of that wrath. It doesn't occur to him to look at the paper until the rumble of the Impala has all but faded away. 

He looks down at the tidy script and his heart clenches. Staring back at him is an ordered list of things about him, of qualities, reasons why anyone - _Cas_ \- would be happy to have Dean as a partner. He drops back onto the bed, holding the paper tightly in both hands, and blinks at it. 

He reads the list over and over, drilling the words into his mind, and his eyes are stinging because how could anyone think these things? He's not worth Cas' affection. He's nothing- a hunter, a killer whose only worldly possessions are a hand-me-down car and the weapons he's collected over the years. He's not the kind of person someone falls in love with. 

Dean's still slouched at the end of the bed the paper in his lap and his head in his hands, when the door swings open. It's got to be hours since the others left, but he's barely moved, and he's still not ready to face Cas. Sam crosses over to him and drops to his knees.

"Dean?" he asks urgently, "what's wrong?"

"I-" he doesn't know what to say, but it doesn't matter because Cas barges in at that moment, pushing past Gabriel to lay a hand on Sam's shoulder. 

"You need to leave," he says bluntly, and Gabriel just beams at him like he couldn't be prouder of his brother. Sam and Cas share a quick look, then Sam rises to his feet, pushing Gabriel out the door along with him as Cas crouches down in front of Dean. 

"I don't understand," Dean chokes out, lifting his head just enough to see Cas, "how can you-"

"I mean it," Cas says softly, "every word. Dean, you're the greatest man I've ever known, anyone would be lucky to love you."

"Everyone I love dies, Cas."

Cas just smiles softly and pulls one of Dean's hands away from his face, brushing his fingers across his cheek, "I've died four times and I keep coming back to you." Dean catches his wrist as Cas moves to pull away, and laces their fingers together silently. He doesn't move, barely breathes as Cas squeezes his hand and moves to take the paper from Dean, rising to his feet as he does. 

"Cas-" Cas stops and looks down, and Dean exhales shakily. "What happens when you find something better?"

Cas smiles softly and reaches down, cupping Dean's jaw with his free hand, "I won't. I have no intention of leaving you."

" _Cas_ ," Dean breathes. He pushes himself up, standing nearly nose to nose with Cas. 

"I love you," Cas interrupts, "and even if I'm not what you're looking for, I will always be here for you."

"You're it," Dean mumbles, dropping their joined hands and stepping closer, pressing his nose against Cas' cheek. His heart is thudding almost painfully in his chest, but he ignores it, and forces himself to continue even though it terrifies him, "you're all I need, Cas." 

The first brush of lips sends a shiver up Dean's spine and he presses in closer until they're touching. Cas releases his hand and slips his arms around Dean's waist, holding him close. He kisses him again, sliding one hand up the back of Dean's shirt, "I'm right here."

Dean drops back onto the bed and Cas follows, nudging him backwards and kneeling down over him. He pushes Dean's coat off his shoulders so he's just in a t-shirt, and drops the article over the side of the bed, returning his full attention to Dean , and leaning down to kiss his chin. Cas' fingers brush up his arms softly, and Dean squeezes his eyes shut trying to convince himself that this is real, that Cas isn't going to just fly off if he makes a wrong move. 

"Relax," Cas hums, sliding his hands over Dean's stomach, and Dean's breath hitches as he shirt catches and pulls up, allowing Cas' fingers to brush his bare skin. He barely resists the urge to press up into the touch, and Cas ducks his head, pressing an open mouthed kiss to the jut of Dean's hipbone and sliding up his stomach. Dean jerks, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him, and Cas pauses, obviously misreading him. "Do you want me to stop?"

Dean manages to shake his head, eyes still clamped shut, and Cas' hands fall away from him.

"I need you to tell me, Dean."

"I don't want you to stop."

"What _do_ you want?"

"Anything, just don't-" he opens his eyes, flicking them up to meet Cas', "will you stay?"

"Of course," Cas breathes, pushing his fingers through Dean's hair, "I told you I wouldn't leave and I won't. I want you Dean, I realize this now more than ever, being human, there are all these feelings and they're so much stronger- sometimes I don't even understand what I'm feeling, but I _love you_ , and I need you to realize that." 

Cas' hands are impossibly soft and gentle as he touches Dean's face, just barely-there drags of his fingertips that have Dean wondering how he could have missed this for the past five years, or however the hell long Cas has been holding onto it. 

"Why?" is all he manages to say, reaching up and curling a hand around front of Cas' coat.

"Because you believed in me. You trusted me, and you didn't give up on me," his voice softens and he glances down, "even when you should have."

"You were worth it," Dean mumbles, and he doesn't think it was loud enough for Cas to hear, but the man smiles down at him all gummy, his nose wrinkled up. 

"And so were you," he adds, fitting his hand under Dean's sleeve to cover the scarred handprint on his shoulder. Dean huffs a quiet laugh and turns his face so Cas can't see the smile that tugs at his lips, but Cas presses his nose against Dean's cheek, "you have nothing to be ashamed of." He tips his chin, brushing his lips against Dean's, and Dean can't help the instinctive reaction to kiss him back, his lips parting in a soft gasp as Cas mouth presses down harder. 

Dean reaches up, gingerly pushing his fingertips into the back of Cas' hair and encouraging him to come closer. Cas hums into his mouth and pulls his hand back, shrugging out of his coat one sleeve at a time, only breaking the kiss to take it off and push it to the floor. As Cas lies himself down, propped up on one arm, Dean drags his fingers down his chest, bumping over the buttons on his shirt and curling under the hem before pausing. 

"It's okay," Cas breathes, "please." 

Dean slips his hand up under Cas' shirt, pressing his fingers into the soft planes of his stomach and up his chest, he brushes over Cas' nipple and the breath goes out of his lungs as Cas moans quietly, his eyebrows furrowed and eyes shut in pleasure. It encourages him, and Dean flattens his palm against Cas' chest, rubbing his thumb back over Cas' nipple sliding back down his side. He shuts his eyes and Cas leans further over him, kissing him deeper and sliding a hand up his arm.

Cas' breath is heavy in his ear, and Dean's anxious, but the heat of it against the side of his head is too much to ignore, and his cock has picked up on the action. He tries to pull back, but Cas doesn't seem to realize and he drags his hand down Dean's side, leaning in so his mouth is hovering barely an inch from Dean's. He's so close that Dean can smell the dirt and sweat on his neck, can practically taste his lips, and he yearns to close that tiny gap and claim Cas' mouth again, to pull him down against the mattress and lose himself. Cas cuts him off before he has a chance.

"Can I?" he asks, and Dean doesn't have a clue what he wants, but he's willing to bet he wants it so he nods slowly.

"Yeah," he breathes, "anything, Cas."

Lips meet his, slow and sweet, and Cas' hands slide over his hips and push at the hem if his shirt until Dean sits up and fumbles out of it. He pauses, staring straight at Cas, and his heart thuds uncomfortably in his chest. He wants this, wants Cas so badly that every part of him is practically aching for it, but he's so afraid of screwing something up that he can barely think.

"Dean," Cas breathes, reaching out a hand to stroke Dean's cheek, "let me take care of you. Let me show you how you make me feel." He presses him back down to the mattress and kisses his chest, leaving a trail of wet heat in his wake, and Dean cards his hands through his hair holding him firm to assure himself that Cas is there; he's real and he wants this too. Cas' tongue swipes over a nipple and Dean's hands fist in his hair, but he just continues, licking at the skin and sucking dean’s hard nipple between his lips. Dean arches up as pleasure shoots straight through to his cock, biting hard on his bottom lip to keep from moaning.

Cas' lips move back up kissing along his collarbone and up behind his ear, "I want to make love to you," he breathes, and a whimper escapes Dean's lips without his permission. He's not the kind of guy who says thinks like 'make love' and he's certainly never been the kind of guy to do anything like that, but there's something in the way Cas says it, or maybe it’s just Cas, that makes him think that making love to Cas could be all he wants for the rest of his life.

"Yeah," he breathes, "god yes, Cas-" he's cut off by a firm kiss before Cas sits back, tugging his own shirt off and dropping it to the floor even as he bends to kiss Dean again. The touch of bare skin is intoxicating, hot and smooth on his own and dean pulls Cas closer, desperate to feel more of them.

They move together perfectly, hips rocking together lightly until Dean can't stop the moans that pass his lips when Cas pushes down hard. He pulls away a second later and Dean tries not to be upset, until Cas pulls his pants undone and tugs them down his legs. Dean lifts his hips when he's asked to, but he's more interested in getting Cas' pants off him first and when he does, Cas chuckles warmly, kicking his pants from his ankles and sliding down the bed to discard deans with them.

He surges back up again, and the feeling of having Cas naked between his legs is overwhelming. His erection in hot and heavy where it presses into the crease of Dean's thigh, and Dean can barely focus, so turned on and so emotional that the words he wants to say catch in his throat.

Cas moves with slow little rolls of his hips, each one rendering Dean breathless, and he smiles down at him nipping lightly at his bottom lip before moving down, his fingers tracing the length of Dean's torso. When he presses his nose under Dean's balls, Dean presses up with a gasp and then Cas' tongue slides over him, licking a line up to the tip of his cock, and Dean's gasp turns to a groan and he sinks back into the mattress. He's already rock hard and as Cas' lips slide over the head of his cock he can feel it pulse with need and it takes all his strength not to buck up into Cas' mouth.

"Cas-" he whines, fisting his hands in the sheets, and Cas fingers come up to meet his, gently unfurling them and tangling them with his own. Dean's never held hands during sex, never so much as thought of it until recently, but Cas' hand is warm in his own and his thumb runs over his finger so Dean holds on tight and closes his eyes to focus on the uneven thrum of pleasure running through him and the weight of Cas' hand in his.

He's had blowjobs before, but nothing like this; Cas is thorough and attentive, focusing all his energy into the things that make dean moan and arch off the bed and yet somehow making it one of the most romantic experiences of his life. He's never felt anything like the way Cas makes him feel, not even with Lisa. Maybe with Cassie a million years ago now, but that relationship was a ticking time bomb and this? As much as it terrifies him, this feels like it could last; like Cas could be the one to prove to him that things _aren't_ always bad, and that maybe there is someone out there for him after all. And that's just about the weirdest thought he's ever had while someone's sucking his dick. 

Forcing his brain to shut off, Dean slides his free hand up over Cas' shoulder, rubbing the skin and stroking up to rub his thumb under his jaw. Cas' eyes flick up to meet his, and Dean nearly loses himself. Cas' eyes are dark with desire, trained directly on Dean's as he pulls off Dean's cock and flicks his tongue out at the tip. Dean's hips rise up, but it's almost an afterthought, the main part of his brain focused on the way Cas' tongue darts out to lick pre-come from the tip, and the way his lips, swollen and shiny, stretch around him as he takes him all the way to the base, until Dean's cock hits the back of his throat and he can't help the gentle roll of his hips. Cas doesn't stop him, but his thumb rubs over Dean's encouragingly, so Dean presses his hips up, a low moan pulling from his throat as he meets with no resistance. 

There's a dry pressure against his rim and Dean bucks up hard. Cas pulls off of his cock, kissing down its length and up the crease of his hip, "it's okay," he breathes, "I won't hurt you, just relax." Cas reaches down into Dean's duffel and produces the bottle of lube that he keeps stashed there. Up until now, Dean would rather Cas wasn't privy to that bit of information, but at the moment he's a jumble of nerves and cautious anticipation and he's actually entirely okay with it. 

Cas warms the lube between his fingers before pressing back between Dean’s cheeks, and even though he’s prepared himself to jump at the cold, Dean remains steady, his breath measured. Cas grins and presses a kiss to Dean's thigh as he slips his finger in up to the first knuckle, squeezing Dean's hand as he Dean shudders. 

"I've got you," Cas hums, pushing in just a little further. The stretch is a little uncomfortable, but he trusts Cas, and holds his breath through the worst of it. Cas chuckles softly and squeezes his hand again, "you have to breathe, Dean. If it's uncomfortable, I can stop."

"Keep going," Dean exhales, returning the grip on Cas' hand, "feels good."

"You sure?"

"I- I like it," Dean admits, and he can feel the heat rise in his cheeks, but it’s true. It's like nothing he's ever felt, and it's a little awkward but there's something weirdly intimate about the whole thing, having Cas touch him somewhere so entirely private. It helps that it's Cas; the man who once laid siege on hell as an angel to pull him from the fire and rebuild him, is now the man holding him tight and taking him apart in the very best way. He moans as Cas pushes in up to the second knuckle and looks up to Dean to check his expression. 

"'M good," Dean assures him with a nod, "keep going." Cas bends and kisses his hipbone, slipping in the rest of the way. He pulls back and pushes in again, slowly increasing his speed as he fucks Dean with his finger, then pulls out completely and presses back in with two fingers, slowly again to let Dean adjust.

It's tighter than before, but it's not painful and when Cas starts moving and hits _something_ inside him, Dean cries out and digs his fingers into the back of Cas' hand and the mattress.

" _Holy shit_ ," he whispers, and Cas places a kiss just below his naval, smiling against his skin. He pumps his fingers harder and when Dean has his head thrown back, chest arched off the bed, he adds a third. Dean lets out a lingering groan and pushes back onto Cas, encouraging the quick thrust of his hand.

"Cas-" he gasps, "Cas please-" he groans again, planting his feet against the mattress on either side of Cas shoulders and pushing his hips up, "please, I need you."

"Alright," Cas breathes, and he flexes his fingers and pumps them in and out a few more times before pulling out altogether.

Dean closes his eyes and tries to slow his heart which is now beating erratically with the thought of giving himself over to Cas. He wants it, he knows that for sure, but it's just such a huge thing that he can hardly comprehend that it'd actually happening. He hears the familiar click of a lid opening and closing, and then Cas' hands are on him again, his touch gentle and calming.

He smoothes both hands up Dean's chest and shuffles forward until his thighs press in on either side of Dean's hips, his cock slotting alongside Dean's. Cas rocks his hips forward slowly and the smooth friction is almost as intense as Cas' mouth on him. Dean looks up, catching Cas' eye, and reaches a tentative hand down, curling his fingers around them both and Cas' breath catches as he rocks into Dean's hand. It’s not as strange as he might have thought, touching another guy's dick, and the soft little gasps and grunts that Cas is making are going to drive him insane. He wants to pull Cas' head down and kiss him, bite his lips and rut against each other until they get off like that, but he knows that's not really how he wants this to go. Not the first time at least.

_The first time_. The thought thrills him, and he grins up at Cas, "I want you," he breathes, "Cas-"

Cas dips down and kisses him hard, his lips pulling away as he smiles, "are you sure?"

"Never been more sure of anything," Dean huffs. He rubs his thumb over the head of Cas' cock, biting his lips as Cas' face contorts with pleasure. "Please." Dean pulls his hand away and presses his palm to Cas' shoulder as Cas slicks himself and presses his cock against Dean's entrance.

Dean's impatient, eager to feel that fullness again, to have Cas inside him, above him, his skin hot and tacky against his own-- he groans at the thought and shuts his eyes. He rolls his hips and Cas huffs a laugh as he stills him, pulling Dean by his hips and rocking forward just slightly.

His cock pushes past the ring of muscle and he squeezes Dean's hips, his mouth falling open in a silent gasp. Dean breathes harshly as Cas eases himself in, fisting both hands in the sheets and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Relax," Cas hums unsteadily, "don't tense up like that."

Dean lets out the breath he's been holding and Cas runs his hands up his arms as he relaxes against the bed. Cas slides a hand over his, curling their fingers together as he presses forward slowly, letting Dean squeeze his hand as he adjusts to the stretch and burn. 

The sensation is different than Cas' fingers; his cock is thicker than his fingers, and though it's a little uncomfortable at first, it's so much better with Cas pressed right up against him, leaning over him so their lips brush when he pushes hard. Dean lifts his head, catching Cas' lips and pulling him down into a soft kiss that stutters when Cas bottoms out with a grunt. 

Cas bites his bottom lip, his hips twitching with the need to move, and he presses his nose back behind Dean's ear, kissing along the length of his jaw, "are you okay?" he breathes, and Dean nods lightly, a breathy " _yeah_ " slipping from his lips. 

The first few thrusts are slow and cautious, but when Dean wraps his legs around Cas' thighs, pulling him closer, he increases his speed, working up to a steady rhythm. He pushes both Dean's hands up above his head, twining their fingers together, his breath ghosting over Dean's lips as he huffs with each thrust. Cas skin is hot against his own, and Dean kisses him deeply, pressing up into him as pleasure zips up his spine. 

Dean's heart thuds in his chest as he wraps his legs around Cas' hips, rocking up to meet him with every thrust. Sex for him has always been about the pleasure, the brief moments when he doesn't have to deal with the shit of the rest of his life, but with Cas it's so much more. All he wants is to be with Cas; he doesn't expect anything from him because Cas is right, he may have left him at times, but Dean hasn't been the greatest friend all the time either, and Cas always comes back to him. He's here now, and that's what matters to him, they can move past the rest of it. He squeezes Cas' hands and catches his bottom lip between his teeth, biting it gently. 

"You're amazing," he breathes, panting into Cas' mouth as Cas slides into him hard, his chest plastered against Dean's. The swirling his in his gut flares as Cas releases one of his hands to wrap around his cock. " _Fuck_ ," Dean gasps, jerking up into his hand. 

"Dean," Cas mumbles, pressing clumsy open mouthed kisses to his jaw and down his neck, "Dean, I'm so close-" His hips snap forward and Dean wraps his free arm around his neck, pressing his lips against Cas' as his eyes flutter shut. He knows there's the potential for this to happen again in the future, but he doesn't want to let the moment go and he's so damn close that he can barely hold off. 

Cas thrusts into him, hitting his prostate with force, and nearly loses his mind. The combined sensations of Cas' cock and his hand on him sends him over the edge, and Dean's nails dig into his hand, tugging Cas closer as he shoots between them, his hips bumping up against Cas' stomach. 

" _Oh shit_ ," he gasps, " _shit, Cas_ -" Cas' hand slides over his cock until Dean can't take it anymore, and he slides both hands under Dean's head, holding him close as he rocks his hips forward. Dean drags his hands up Cas' back, kissing him passionately and pushing back onto him.

Cas comes with his face pressed into Dean's neck, a low groan dropping from his lips as Dean grabs his ass and pulls him forward. He's shaking as he rides through it, and Dean slides his hands up to cup Cas' cheeks, kissing him furiously. 

"I love you," he breathes, "Cas-" Cas cuts him off with a kiss, rolling them onto their sides, and pulling out slowly. He wraps his arms around Dean and running his fingers through his hair. Their bodies fit together seamlessly, like they were made that way, and Dean plays with the thought that Cas had something to do with that when he pulled him out from the pit. 

They lay together in silence for a long time, and Dean can't help but think about everything, and for the first time, he doesn't feel like his life is hopeless. Cas is human now, and he's happy that way - for the most part - he wants to stay, and Dean can't help but grin stupidly as he buries his head in Cas' chest. 

"Dean," Cas hums softly, "don't fall asleep, we should shower."

"Don't wanna get up."

Cas chuckles and runs a hand up his arm, "come on."

Dean reluctantly lets Cas pull him up and lead him into the bathroom. It's a stall shower, so there isn't a lot of space, but Dean hardly minds being pressed up against Cas, and neither of them are ever left out of the spray of water. Cas, apparently, likes how showers, which Dean can totally agree with, and when he rubs soap through his hair, Dean melts into the touch and leans back into him. Their shower takes longer than expected because Cas won't stop kissing his neck, and Dean makes no attempt to stop him, pushing him back against the glass and kissing him furiously. 

They wind up pressed into a corner until the water turns cold, and even then, Dean finds it hard to let Cas drag him out of the shower again, even if bed is their destination. They finally dry off and tumble into the other bed, and Cas pulls Dean back against him, curling around his back and pressing his nose into Dean's neck. He's warm and clean, and Cas' breath is hot on his skin, and Dean can't help wonder if this is what it's like to sleep with someone every night, and they could do it, they could. Cas is with them all the time now anyway, he could move into Dean's room and it wouldn't really make that much difference, hell, Sam might not even notice with his preoccupation with Gabriel, and Dean knows _he_ would be a hell of a lot happier.

"Hey, Cas?" he whispers. 

"Hmm?"

"When we get back, when this hunt is over and we go home- I mean-" when he actually tries to say it, it sounds a lot more far-fetched and ridiculous, the idea of Cas essentially moving in with him. 

"What would you like, Dean?" Cas' hand slides over his hip, and he shifts closer. 

"Do you like your room at the bunker?"

"There's nothing wrong with it."

"What would you, uh- what would you think if I asked you to stay with me?"

"I told you I'd stay," Cas hums.

"I mean like, in my room with me."

There's a pause, and Dean doubts himself for a moment before Cas kisses his neck and smiles, "I'd like that very much," he rumbles. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Dean snuggles into the bed, letting the warmth of Cas' body surround him. He turns over in his arms, nuzzling under Cas' jaw and pressing an open mouthed kiss to the underside of his jaw. He wants to drown himself in Cas, to soak up every ounce of love and affection that he has to offer and give back everything he has.

"I think I've known for a while now. About um, how I felt- about you." Cas is silent, but his breathing pattern changes, so dean continues. "I was confused at first, I thought maybe it was some sort of misplaced admiration because of what you were, what you did, but I realized I was wrong when you walked into that lake- I felt like a part of me died with you that day and I just- I crammed all of that down 'cause with everything else in my life I didn't need that crap too."

"Your feelings aren't crap, Dean."

"You were dead, man," he says weakly.

"I came back," Cas breathes, kissing his forehead, "I'll always come back."

Dean tilts his head up, tipping Cas' chin down to kiss his lips, "thank you." Cas holds him close, his kisses slow and languid, and Dean is sure in that moment that Cas is it for him. He may have a life of monsters and violence ahead of him, but if Cas stays with him, at least he doesn't have to face it alone.


End file.
